The following are excerpts from the travel logs of various League members, as they become declassified. We hope they prove enlightening and entertaining.
Excerpt from the Travel Logs of Jonathon Chase, Fall 1995
“,,,I learned of this town from my longtime friends Eric and Snow, during a recent dinner. The town’s name and location I shall not reveal in writing, only to say it is near the American/Canadian border. Even armed with the direction my friends had furnished me with, it took some effort and searching before I made my way to it’s heavily wooded outskirts. There I was immediately confronted with a daunting, Elizabethan castle, whose drawbridge lowered as I neared as if in invitation. I was hesitant entering, but need not have worried. The castle’s enormous owner proved to be the most engaging of hosts, and I was joyously granted a seat by the fire, along with two other of the giant’s guests. From the way they spoke I took them to be friends, or even brothers, despite the difference in their mode of dress. The first carried himself in a clearly western style, cowboy hat and all, while the other was much more urban in appearance. He and I ended up having the most marvellous conversation on literature, as the fellow was apparently a voracious reader.
We cut short our talk when tea was served, and the giant and his menagerie serenaded us with several pleasant tunes before it was time to depart. My literary friend, who referred to himself only as ‘Easy’, set off in the company of his western acquaintance, a Mister Curtis. I bade them farewell, hoping that we should meet again soon. As fate would have it, one of them would cross my path again sooner than I expected.
Not far from this locale I came across a delightful country home, easily spotted due to it’s bold azure paint job. After a quick reconnaissance, I assumed an ursine form to better ingratiate myself with the home’s master. We hit it off splendidly, and he gave me some most helpful directions towards the nearby town, and some of the more interesting sights to be seen there. I had a fine supper, but declined the offer to spend the night, as there seemed to be rats in the house.
The next day I came to the town proper. First glances revealed it to be a most ordinary place indeed, as I wandered through suburban settings identical to those in any American city. But first glances can deceive.
Feeling a little lost, I asked a passing constable for directions to the neighbourhood my ursine friend had told me of. This he did, simultaneously warning me of a creature he was on the lookout for. He described a bizarre, multicoloured beast that had long been harassing the female inhabitants of a nearby home, perhaps attracted by the bright colours painted on the door. I wished him luck in his search, silently hoping they were not too cruel with this probably dumb, intriguing beast.
Before long I came to the street I had been told of. At last my expectations were rewarded, for I was suddenly confronted by a great many oddities indeed. My eyes fell upon a curious blue-furred creature, who seemed fond of wearing a steel helm and bright red cape, who was busily entertaining a group of street youths...happily, with the careful attention of several nearby adults. The harmless seeming creature was soon joined by a monstrous saurian biped of the bizarrest purple hue, who sang frustratingly badly, though the children seemed to enjoy his spectacle well enough.
As I watched, fascinated, I was approached by a most remarkable species of flightless bird with bright yellow plumage. It spoke to me as if it were a child, though it was already so huge as to tower over me. The bird spoke at length of a creature I had heard rumours of, a species of mammoth long thought extinct, which he swore most earnestly he communed with on a regular basis. Though doubtful, I humoured the gentle creature as best I could before excusing myself. I had only gone a few feet when the foulest creature I have ever beheld began furiously cursing me from it’s roost inside a rubbish bin. It was an offensive spectacle, and I began rethinking my wisdom in venturing here at all. I hurried down the street until I almost ran right into a young boy and his dog. As I was apologizing for my haste, the freckle-faced lad blithely asked if I would like to accompany him to the home of his adult ‘friend’ and engage in some games involving changing costumes and role-playing. Shocked, I upbraided the child and urged him to tell his parents about this deranged individual at once.
Not sure what to make of my bizarre circumstance, I rested on a stoop, when a kindly looking old fellow in a red sweater passed me by and made greeting. He asked if I was a newcomer to the neighbourhood and, upon my affirmative response, invited me over for lunch. My stomach was rumbling so I agreed, entering the man’s quaint home (whereupon he insisted we change shoes, a bizarre custom I politely acquiesced to. Fortunate he had my size!). It was during our rather pedestrian conversation, during which he regaled me with stories of a retired navy man he often played chess with, Australian by the sound of his queer name, that he let slip the great secret of his household. Though slip may not be the correct wording...in retrospect I believe he very much wanted me to learn what he told me.
Somehow, there existed in this man’s home a portal, a gateway of types to some nether-world, a place I had only heard in whispered legends. My old master Cain referred to this place once as ‘the place where dreams are not dreams, where mind becomes body, and the sky is no longer the limit...but the beginning’. Needless to say, I was excited beyond telling at having found it’s entryway in such a simple, suburban setting!
The gentleman was only too happy then to direct me into the fabled realm, which one apparently accessed via a magical trolley car...at first I was concerned I would not fit aboard the transport, as it’s dimensions were shockingly small, but somehow I managed. The trip, though short, provided the most curious sensation in my brain which I am unable to describe accurately. When I emerged from the tunnel, I was confronted with the astonishing sights of a world of pure imagination.
Disembarking from the trolley, which tooted a friendly goodbye to me, I quickly made my way to what appeared to be a castle. Here I was greeted by none other than the King of the realm himself, a most benevolent monarch named Friday. He and his Queen graciously gave me free run in his kingdom, an offer I gladly accepted.
For several days I wandered through these mystic lands, altering my form quite often to speak better with some of the myriad inhabitants I came across. I came to an open-air concert underway in a gezebo, and settled in to watch the entertainment, and chat with some of the other spectators. From my conversations, I soon discovered that many of them did not truly reside here, but were merely visiting. Such was the case with the performers I spoke with, more gargantuan birds, seemingly unrelated to the one I had spoken with earlier on the street. They were musicians, and surprisingly good considering they all had old-fashioned roller-skates strapped to their oversized feet. It was a strange image, to be sure. I had heard the word ‘Thunder-birds’ mentioned once or twice after my arrival, and wondered if these were the same. Later I mingled with some of those who had also watched the show, spending most of my time with a mischievous serpentine creature calling himself Ollie, and a grinning wooden boy-child clad in western garb similar to Mister Curtis, whom I surprisingly met up with once again minutes later.
I learned that Curtis resided nearby in this realm, and he invited me to the home of a friend of his for refreshment. I delightedly agreed, and took an enjoyable sidetrip through spectacular country in his stead. His friend’s abode was enchanting indeed, and I struck a quick friendship up with a reptilian, winged fellow who made his home there. Unfortunately, the highly eccentric man-child who was master of this place had a tendency to grate on the nerves, and after a short time I excused myself politely, returning to the mainland.
On my third day I came to a great clock, and spent some time trying to communicate with the timid feline fellow who resided within it. Though a charming youngster, he urged me not to venture further past his clock, as the lands beyond could sometimes be ‘very scary, oh yes indeed they can’. By this time, however, my curiosity was running quite unchecked, and I did not heed his warning.
After half a day of walking in solitude, I came to a crossroads. A decrepit wooden sign offered me two choices of direction. The path to the left was marked only with a musical symbol. The sign to the right, however, had nothing on it at all, and was rotted black through and through. I opted for the left, and set out.
Before long, the air began to be filled with sweet sounds and notes. It was as if the air itself was music here. I was starting to form an idea about where I was when I was rather shockingly confronted with a terrible-looking demon (who wore, I must say, a most dapper blue suit). I feared aggression, but he made no menacing moves, only started up a little dance (with the first tap of his toe, his suit switched colours from blue to red), and he started singing me a song. I soon took it to be the mode of speech in this place.
“You’re a long way from home, my animal man,
Though I love entertaining whenever I can.
But I don’t recall sending out invitations,
So what brings you to the Imagine Nation?”
As he said/sang these words, I recalled something I had read in an ancient scroll that had fallen into the possession of an actor friend of mine. It was ancient Greek, and in one passage made reference to a ‘land of eternal song’ called Illusia. I was convinced that I was there now. During my Government days (thankfully behind me now) I had seen a report of a possible interdimensional incursion from this realm, supposedly clustered around a metropolitan police house. Though even I had dismissed that theory at the time, now...
I turned away from this realm as quickly as possible, if only for my admitted lack of any musical ability. I returned to the crossroads, this time taking the right path. Although it would soon turn out to be very wrong indeed.
The sky grew rapidly dark, and cold. I passed by a stout Ram, who eyed me most disturbingly, but let me pass unfettered. I proceeded with caution, slowing as a red-tinged Hart crossed my path, seemingly to block my progress. I was about to take on avian form and fly overtop, when the creature suddenly moved on, never taking it’s piercing eyes off me.
I walked on, and the air became acrid with the stench of what smelled like burning oil. It became almost too much to bear, but for some reason I pressed on. As I walked, a sense of dread foreboding overcame me, and I was filled with the knowledge that I was coming to the edge of this strange land. I could feel it, like electricity in the air. It was here, at these Outer Limits, that I met the Wolf.
He was a gargantuan beast, larger than any I’d ever seen. Normally of course, I’m quite comfortable around all animals...but I must admit, this fellow had me ready to run. But instead of attacking, he merely turned, almost wanting me to follow him. Ignoring my instincts, I did just that, and he became my guide for the last leg of the journey.
For a moment, the road ahead grew so pitch dark that I lost sight of the wolf. I raced ahead to catch up, only to find a young boy, waiting calmly before me. He wore a black suit...smashing, really...but covered his face with a curious white mask with no opening, and a long protruding nose. I waited, sensing something almost animalistic about the lad...I thought of the vanished wolf (one and the same..?).
Before I could question him, the lad gestured, and the air beside him rippled and turned a deep crimson. It gave off the appearance of curtains, although I was much fatigued by this time. Still, the boy walked to the middle of the disturbance, and seemed to draw the ‘curtain’ aside. He spoke, and I filled with disquiet.
“There’s the signpost up ahead,” he whispered. I peered in, and in that moment I saw it...and turned and ran, never looking back.
I don’t believe I stopped running until reaching the clock once again, where, to his credit, the young tiger refrained from telling me ‘I told you so’.
After resting for a day at the abode of a kindly woman named Elaine regaining my strength, I made my way back to the trolley, weary and eager to return to the waking world, where dreams and nightmares kept to their place. For the most part my departure from the realm was unremarkable (as it could be, under such circumstance), but one incident sticks out in my mind. Passing by an owl I had chatted with on my first trip, I noticed he was now engaged in conversation with a woodpecker, who seemed to be rather ironically constructed entirely of wood himself, not unlike the boy I’d met earlier. This tiny fellow turned to me as I passed and, in a wise old voice, told me ‘he’s not what he seems, y’know’. He poked one wooden wing at his companion as he spoke this, an action that seemed to deeply annoy the great owl. Something about this exchange bothered me very much, and still does to this day.”
End of Transcript
ANNOTATIONS
“...my longtime friends Eric and Snow“
Eric and Snow are the fairy-tale Snow White and Prince Charming, thrust into the modern world in THE CHARMINGS.
“The castle’s enormous owner proved to be the most engaging of hosts,”
This is likely in reference to the children’s show THE FRIENDLY GIANT.
“The first carried himself in a clearly western style, cowboy hat and all,”
“his western acquaintance, a Mister Curtis”
These passages would indicate the first guest as being Cowboy Curtis, a regular on PEE-WEE’S PLAYHOUSE.
“the other was much more urban in appearance. He and I ended up having the most marvellous conversation on literature, as the fellow was apparently a voracious reader”
“referred to himself only as ‘Easy’”
This is Easy Reader, the laid back character from THE ELECTRIC COMPANY.
“the giant and his menagerie serenaded us with several pleasant tunes...”
The Friendly Giant and his friends, Jerome the Giraffe and Rusty the Rooster, would often play songs for their guests.
“I came across a delightful country home, easily spotted due to it’s bold azure paint job. After a quick reconnaissance, I assumed an ursine form to better ingratiate myself with the home’s master.”
This refers to the children’s series BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE.
“there seemed to be rats in the house”
One of the Bear’s housemates is, indeed, a rather large rodent.
“I asked a passing constable for directions...”
I’m not sure who the constable is.
“He described a bizarre, multicoloured beast that had long been harassing the female inhabitants of a nearby home, perhaps attracted by the bright colours painted on the door”
The Polkaroo, a weird bell-shaped creature, was a featured guest on POLKA-DOT DOOR, where he would usually only make himself known to the female co-host.
“...a curious blue-furred creature, who seemed fond of wearing a steel helm and bright red cape”
This appears to be Grover, in his heroic guise of ‘Super-Grover’, from the long-running SESAME STREET.
“...a monstrous saurian biped of the bizarrest purple hue, who sang frustratingly badly, though the children seemed to enjoy his spectacle well enough”
This is as accurate a description as any of the antics of BARNEY the purple dinosaur.
“I was approached by a most remarkable species of flightless bird with bright yellow plumage. It spoke to me as if it were a child, though it was already so huge as to tower over me.”
Certainly this is Big Bird, another resident of Sesame Street.
“The bird spoke at length of a creature I had heard rumours of, a species of mammoth long thought extinct, which he swore most earnestly he communed with on a regular basis”
This refers to Big Birds close friend, Mister Snuffleupagus, an elephant like furry beast who no one but Big Bird himself ever seemed to see.
“I had only gone a few feet when the foulest creature I have ever beheld began furiously cursing me from it’s roost inside a rubbish bin.”
Chase seems to have caught Oscar the Grouch, one of Sesame Street’s less polite denizens, in a rare mood.
“I almost ran right into a young boy and his dog. As I was apologizing for my haste, the freckle-faced lad blithely asked if I would like to accompany him to the home of his adult ‘friend’ and engage in some games involving changing costumes and role-playing.”
This sounds like Casey and Finnegan of the classic series MISTER DRESSUP. Though one hopes Mister Chase has read the situation horribly wrong indeed.
“...a kindly looking old fellow in a red sweater “
Probably the ever-affable star of MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBOURHOOD.
“...he insisted we change shoes, a bizarre custom I politely acquiesced to”
Mister Rogers had a habit of always changing shoes whenever he entered his home.
“...he regaled me with stories of a retired navy man he often played chess with, Australian by the sound of his queer name,”
Possibly fellow children’s show host CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
“My old master Cain “
Cain is the zen star of both KUNG FU and KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES.
“Somehow, there existed in this man’s home a portal, a gateway of types to some nether-world, a place I had only heard in whispered legends”
Chase is referring to the Land of Make-Believe, which was often visited on MISTER ROGERS NEIGHBOURHOOD.
“...one apparently accessed via a magical trolley car...at first I was concerned I would not fit aboard the transport, as it’s dimensions were shockingly small, but somehow I managed”
The miniature trolley that appeared through a small tunnel built into Mister Rogers’ home led to the Land of Make Believe.
“...the King of the realm himself, a most benevolent monarch named Friday”
“...performers I spoke with, more gargantuan birds, seemingly unrelated to the one I had spoken with on the street. They were musicians, and surprisingly good considering they were all had old-fashioned roller-skates strapped to their oversized feet. “
THE SKATE-BIRDS, a live action show from Hanna Barbera, featured the massive avian rock troupe in question.
“...had heard the word ‘‘Thunder-birds’’ mentioned once or twice after my arrival”
The THUNDERBIRDS were a high-flying puppet squad on the futuristic action show of the same name.
“...a mischievous serpentine creature calling himself Ollie,”
The sea serpent puppet from KUKLA FRAN AND OLLIE.
“...and a grinning wooden boy-child clad in western garb”
This is probably the title marionette of THE HOWDY DOODY SHOW.
“I delightedly agreed, and took an enjoyable sidetrip through spectacular country in his stead. His friend’s abode was enchanting indeed, and I struck a quick friendship up with a reptilian, winged fellow who made his home there. Unfortunately, the highly eccentric man-child who was master of this place had a tendency to grate on the nerves, and after a short time I excused myself politely, returning to the mainland.”
Chase is being led through puppet-land to PEE-WEE’S PLAYHOUSE. The reptilian bird is Pterri the Pterodactyl. And Pee-Wee himself is indeed an acquired taste.
“On my third day I came to a great clock, and spent some time trying to communicate with the timid feline fellow who resided within it.”
Daniel the Tiger lived inside the big clock in the Land of Make Believe.
“I was rather shockingly confronted with a terrible-looking demon (who wore, I must say, a most dapper blue suit). I feared aggression, but he made no menacing moves, only started up a little dance (with the first tap of his toe, his suit switched colours from blue to red), and he started singing me a song.”
The musical demon ‘Sweet’, from the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER musical episode, ‘Once More With Feeling’.
“I had read in an ancient scroll that had fallen into the possession of an actor friend of mine. It was ancient Greek, and in one passage made reference to a ‘‘land of eternal song’’ called Illusia.”
These are the Xena Scrolls, the writing of ancient bard Gabrielle about her companion XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS. One episode revealed they had passed into the hands of actor Ted Raimi, who used them to inspire the show based on them. Another episode, Bitter Suite, saw our heroines travelling to Illusia, a musical realm.
“...a possible interdimensional incursion from this realm, supposedly clustered around a metropolitan police house”
As plausible an explanation for COP ROCK as any.
“I passed by a stout Ram,”
“a red-tinged Hart crossed my path,”
“I met the Wolf.”
A possible reference to Wolfram and Hart, the evil law firm from ANGEL.
“the air became acrid with the stench of what smelled like burning oil.”
In TWIN PEAKS, the smell of burning engine oil often accompanied events of great portent.
“...here, at these Outer Limits,”
A reference to the classic sci-fi anthology series THE OUTER LIMITS.
“...a young boy, waiting calmly before me. He wore a black suit...smashing, really...but covered his face with a curious white mask with no opening, and a long protruding nose. I waited, sensing something almost animalistic about the lad...I thought of the vanished wolf (one and the same..?).”
Likely Pierre Tremond from TWIN PEAKS, although he only wore the mask in question in the film FIRE WALK WITH ME. Whether he can change shape is up for debate (at one point in the film the face beneath the mask is that of a monkey).
The phrase ‘one and the same’ is used in the series finale.
“the air beside him rippled and turned a deep crimson. It gave off the appearance of curtains, although I was much fatigued by this time. Still, the boy walked to the middle of the disturbance, and seemed to draw the ‘curtain’ aside”
In Twin Peaks, the entrance to the mythical ‘Black lodge’ was effected through the appearance of a red curtain amidst a grove of trees.
“There’s the signpost up ahead,” he whispered.”
This was a phrase uttered by Rod Serling in the introduction to the classic horror series THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
“After resting for a day at the abode of a kindly woman named Elaine “
Lady Elaine was another resident of the Land of Make Believe.
“Passing by an owl I had chatted with on my first trip”
X the Owl was, yet again, a resident of the Land of Make Believe.
“...a woodpecker, who seemed to be rather ironically constructed entirely of wood himself,”
This is Yaffle, the kindly woodpecker who appears on the British series BAGPUSS, about a talking stuffed cat.
“‘he’s not what he seems, y’know’”
On TWIN PEAKS, Special Agent Dale Cooper was told by a mysterious visitor that ‘the owls are not what they seem’. Perhaps he was right.
